I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
