I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
