in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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