I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
