i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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