my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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