he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Randomize
