he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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