I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
zippers are such a cool invention
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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