The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
dude. I can hear the air.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
