You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
