God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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