You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My pussy is not your playground.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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