Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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