and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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