I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
