my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
