Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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