Don't make out with my wife yet
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I love you. Go after that dick
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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