saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
