I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
