So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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