I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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