at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
