Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
