He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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