Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
