haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
