just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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