omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
