I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
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He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
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my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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