He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
