At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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