did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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