just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
