I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
