I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The Olympian is in my bed
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