i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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