Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Pants 0. Shit 1.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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