birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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