Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
