What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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