If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
