Can Purell be used as lube?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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