my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
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We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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