I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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