im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
