i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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