she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
