I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
