Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
