y did u give ur computer a hand job?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
