Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
