I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I want to be your penis for a week.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
