I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
