This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
