I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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