just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
