you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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