Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize